Theology and Love… on Valentines
I think about love every day. As a Christian, l think love is the center of who God is and what God calls of me and others. As I see it, Jesus reveals love most fully.
I also think love is pluriform. It’s not just helping the helpless, as important as that is. It’s not just about being self-sacrificial, although that’s also an important form of love too.
Around Valentine’s Day, I ponder the various ways we use “love” in our language. The love language on this day isn’t so much about helping others or denying ourselves. But what exactly is the love language and meanings appropriate for Valentine’s Day?
Sex and Romance
I typically hear “love” used in two ways on Valentine’s Day. Sometimes the word refers simply to romance and sex. A red heart is a symbol of this love language.
If we reflect a bit, however, we’ll realize that sex and romance are sometimes healthy, but other times not. Sexual activity can be self-centered, exploitive, abusive, or creepy. Perverts lust, they don’t love. Even romantics can become so obsessed that they harm themselves, their object of obsession, and others.
If love has something to do with positivity and flourishing, sexual exploitation and romantic creepiness aren’t expressions of love.
Altruism and Agape
The second love language I hear on Valentine’s reacts against the first. “Love isn’t about sex and romance,” say some, “it’s about altruism and helping the needy.”
Love helps the poor, shows compassion to sufferers, or makes friends of enemies, says this approach. True love is agape, say some, to use a prominent Greek love word in the New Testament.
This use of “love” has its place. But it seems largely out of place on Valentine’s Day. It fails to describe love as attraction, mutuality, pleasure, or delight. Those who insist on love as only agape can be killjoys!
When my wife and I celebrate Valentine’s Day, we’re not expressing compassion for each other as those who suffer. My wife is neither a victim nor my enemy. And I don’t say to myself, “I guess I’m going to show self-sacrificial love and force myself to delight in what I find attractive, winsome, and beautiful about my wife.”
Love is more than altruism and agape.
Love and Well-Being
I think the most helpful way to understand love says it aims to promote well-being… in a wide variety of ways.
Scholars use various synonyms for “well-being.” They speak of blessedness, flourishing, abundant life, wholeness, genuine happiness, shalom, or the good life.
So understood, love can involve promoting what’s good in our physical, mental, social, environmental, and even spiritual dimensions. But it can also involve good romance and sex. Love helps those who need help but also delights in affection, pleasure, and companionship.
Love is pluriform.
From Where Does Love Come?
Some of my friends distinguish between “natural” and “supernatural” loves. To them, God is the source of the supernatural; evolution is the source of the natural. This approach creates sharp distinctions between sacred and secular, creation and evolution. I don’t find it helpful.
I think God is the source of all love. “We love, because God first loves us,” as the Apostle John put it. And if all creaturely love comes from God and promotes well-being, the natural/supernatural distinction blurs. Evolutionary love can be part of God’s creating and creaturely response.
I’m not sure if amoeba love. Maybe they do, I don’t know. But having grown up on a farm and having spent much time hiking in nature, I’m convinced many animals love.
I’m impressed, for instance, in how mother birds and mother bears nourish and protect their young. I’m inspired by the group altruism of bees and wolves. I’ve seen dogs befriend horses.
Love is wider and wilder than many humans imagine.
Love on Valentine’s Day
If love promotes well-being, romance and sex on Valentine’s Day can be actions of love… if we do them intending to do good in some way.
When we send cards, flowers, or gifts with only our own happiness in mind, we aren’t loving. If we act only for our own pleasure and intend to injure others, we should not call this action “loving.”
On Valentine’s Day, we typically focus on the well-being of two people in relationship. That’s appropriate. To love well, the two must consider how their actions affect the wider society too. Love considers the common good, not just what’s good for a few.
Less Confusing
This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to send cards, flowers, and gifts. Flash a heart sign, if you feel like. Splash “I Love You” across the sky. Be intimate with that special someone, and take pleasure in them.
But remember love wants what is healthy and positive. Love wants good when romantic flames burn brightly, flicker faintly, or reduce to ashes.
When well-being is the goal, Valentine’s love language is less confusing.
Newsletter
For a 200-page book of Thomas Jay Oord's best-selling writings and to receive his newsletter, add your email address...
Comments
The love we share with creatures that live with us as pets is a form of pluriform love. My cats, Pink and Floyd, and I celebrate this live every day.